Culture Shock
by GingahNinjah
Summary: Dudley Dursley is thrust into the magical world when his daughter turns eleven and receives a very special letter.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I like to pretend I'm 'from across the pond' but I'm really not...oh and I don't own Harry Potter {duh (:}**

Dudley Dursley woke in the early hours of the morning, his mother ransacking his bedroom. The blinking green display on his bedside clock read 5:00 am. He rolled over and pulled his pillow over his face. _What is she doing? It's five o'clock in the bloody morning! _He peeked out from under his pillow, watching his mum go through each of his drawers, pulling any remaining items out and packing them into his trunk. _Is it that day already? _He sat up and looked to the calendar on his wall. _Yesterday was Friday, so today is...Saturday, July 27th. It's today..._

After the constant packing and unpacking courtesy of his moustached father, Dudley had started to think they wouldn't go. Though he was bound to eventually, a forced exit was not what he had in mind. However, now that the day had finally come, surely his father would see to reason and agree to leave.

'Oh! Dudley...I didn't see I'd woken you' said his mum. Her voice was shaky, and her eyes were red and puffy. 'I...I just wanted to make sure you didn't leave anything...we may be gone a while.' She wiped her eyes and sat on his bed with a sigh, mumbling something that sounded vaguely like 'he's really going...'

'Mum, are you alright?'

'What? Oh, nothing Dudley. It's nothing' she said. But it sounded more like a question than a statement; as if she was still trying to convince herself. 'It's been sixteen years...' she said real quiet, staring off. She got up very suddenly and said 'Well, I should make sure we're fully packed now. Can't leave anything, can we?' in her usual, falsely cheerful voice. Then she practically skipped out of the room.

It _had_ been sixteen years. Sixteen years since his cousin had dropped into his life. The cousin he'd used as a punching bag until they were eleven. The cousin he'd made sure had no friends. The cousin he'd tormented all those years. The cousin who'd saved his life...

Sixteen years, and what had he ever done for him? What did he have to show for their less-than-healthy relationship sixteen years in the making? Not so much as a kind word in his direction. And now it was too late. After they...aparated?...to a safe place, he'd head off with some of 'his lot' and he may never see him again. He'd never be able to thank him. He'd never be able to apologise. It seemed a bit late to do so anyway. After all, he and his parents had spent the last sixteen years treating him more like one of Aunt Marge's dogs than as family.

Pulling himself out of his head, he went down stairs and planted himself in front of the tele as he did each morning, expecting his mother to bring him his breakfast. Four commercial breaks later, Dudley was still empty handed and hungry. He was perfectly ready to complain when he came to the realisation that he was tired of being such a prick. He was going to get up and make his own dang breakfast.

Five minutes later, he was back in front of the tele with a rather overcooked and far too salty egg, and a bit of burnt toast. It was a bit rubbery and certainly could have tasted better, but he'd made it himself instead of sitting on his fat arse while his mum made it. Feeling quite good about this accomplishment and feeling that he should continue the trend, he made himself a cup of tea. Then, acting on a sudden whim, he made a cup for Harry and left it outside his bedroom door.

Dudley's conflicting emotions were beginning to be overwhelming. Shouldn't he be anxious for Harry's - no, _the freak's -_departure, and angry that he'd brought this upon them? That's how his father felt. That's how his mum _said _she felt.

What was with his mum these days anyway? Whenever he'd caught her alone, she'd seemed so sad. But as soon as his father came into view, she put on a nauseatingly fake smile and acted as if nothing was wrong. She was always so fake. Never spoke her mind. Never argued with anything Father said, even if she was right. She'd do anything as long as it made him happy. That had always been so. But lately it seemed as though she was biting her tongue more often. Something was obviously troubling her. Maybe she was simply worried about their departure today. Perhaps she was afraid that Lord What's-His-Name would find them anyways. It certainly was a possibility.

Whatever it was, it was really bothering her. In spite of his usual uncaring ways, he set out to find her. After all, he was on a roll, of doing things he normally wouldn't. He'd cooked for himself, and he'd given Harry a cup of tea. Might as well continue and see where this strange personality shift led him. He found her up in the attic, looking through some old photo albums. Her back was towards him, so she didn't see him come in. Dudley peered over her shoulder. Each of the pictures showed a young Petunia Evans and a red headed child. The plastic coverings on the pages were dotted with mascara filled tears. 'Mum? Are you _sure _you're alright?'

'Dudley!' she said, quickly closing the book. 'Mummy's fine, darling. Nothing to worry about.'

Dudley sat down next to her. 'Mum, I know that's a lie. Dad's not around…you can tell me.' He opened the book back up and looked over the pictures. She seemed so happy in all of them. Much more than he'd ever seen her. 'That's her isn't it? Your sister…' She nodded, not meeting his eyes. She and Dad never mentioned her. They avoided it altogether. And when they did, all they ever said was how much of a freak she had been. He had always believed she really didn't care.

'It seems a bit silly, doesn't it? That after sixteen years I'd cry about it' she said. She flipped through the pages of the book and smiled. 'She was my best friend, you know. My Maid of Honour too. We used to do everything together. I remember this one time, our dad had just gotten a huge promotion, so our mum had made this big chocolate cake with strawberry frosting. That was always Lily's favourite' she smiled. 'He was running late, and Lily and I just couldn't wait any longer. So we got the brilliant idea that if we took a piece from the middle and frosted over the hole, they would never notice. Lily climbed up onto the counter to get plates, and just as Mum and Dad came in the room she slipped and fell straight into the cake. Mum was furious of course, but the rest of us were laughing too hard to care.

'But once she turned eleven, strange things started happening. It was frightening. I felt like I didn't know her anymore. Then that boy, Severus, came along and told her what she was. Soon after that she was off to that school of hers and I rarely saw her. Then she ran off with that bloke Potter…I felt as if she was choosing magic over me. I was angry and stupid and I just cut her off, and then…she died.' Mum paused, wiping away a few stray tears. 'He reminds me so much of her that…that it hurts.'

Dudley, not knowing what to say, just sat there nodding stupidly. Racking his brain for something more intelligent, he heard the sound of the front door slamming, followed by an 'Oi! You!' via his father, calling for Harry. Silently thanking his father for saving him from the awkward mess he'd gotten himself into, he turned to his mum and muttered 'Mum, it must be time to go.' Together they went downstairs and met Vernon in the living room.

'BOY!' his father bellowed. He tapped his foot impatiently until Harry appeared at the top of the stairs. 'You took your time! Get down here. I want a word!' Harry reluctantly came down stairs. He know what was coming. Dudley did as well. 'Sit down!' he ordered, adding a sharp 'please' when Harry didn't obey. 'I've changed my mind' he said firmly.

'What a surprise' Harry mumbled.

Mother rose to her feet. 'Don't you dare take that tone-' she started, but Dad stopped her.

'According to you we – Petunia, Dudley and I – are in danger. From – from -'

'Some of 'my lot', right' said Harry in annoyance.

'Well, I don't believe it' he said, as if it should come as a shock to all of us. 'I was awake half the night thinking it over, and I believe it's a plot to get the house.' Dudley rolled his eyes. Dad should have known better than anyone that Harry was not looking to come back here after this was done.

'The house? What house?'

'_This _house! _Our _house! House prices are sky-rocketing round here! You want us out of the way and then you're going to do a bit of hocus-pocus and before we know it the deeds will be in your name and-'

'Are you out of your mind? A plot to get the house? Are you actually as stupid as you look? Just in case you've forgotten, I've already got a house, my godfather left me one. So why would I want this one? All the happy memories?' Harry yelled.

Dudley stifled a chuckle at this one. His father _was _being rather stupid. Harry had won, and he knew it. He just wanted to be stubborn.

His father started pacing again. 'You claim that this Lord Thing-'

'Voldemort,' Harry said impatiently, 'and we've been through this about a hundred times already. It isn't a claim, it's fact, Dumbledore told you last year, and Kingsley and Mr Weasly-'

Dad hunched his shoulders angrily. Dudley guessed he was remembering – or trying not to remember – all the past visits from Mr Weasly. He didn't like that man one bit, and he had his reasons. The man had destroyed most of their living room, not to mention made Dudley vomit his intestines out. He hadn't exactly made a good first impression.

'- Kingsley and Mr Weasly explained it all as well' Harry pressed on. 'Once I'm seventeen, the protective charm that keeps me safe will break, and that exposes you as well as me. The Order is sure Voldemort will target you, whether to torture you to try and find out where I am, or because he thinks by holding you hostage I'd come and try to rescue you.'

This silenced Dad for a while. He just stared out the window at the neighbour's lawnmower. Finally, he turned back to Harry and said 'I thought there was a Ministry of Magic?'

'There is…'

'Well than why can't they protect us? It seems to me, as the innocent victims, guilty of nothing more than harbouring a marked man, we ought to qualify for government protection!'

Harry laughed. Once he'd stopped laughing, Harry replied, 'you heard what Kingsley and Mr Weasly said. We think the Ministry has been infiltrated.'

Dad paced back and forth some more, breathing heavily, his face turning more purple than before. 'All right. All right, let's say, for the sake of the argument, we accept protection. I still don't see why we can't have that Kingsley bloke' he said, for about the fourth time this week.

'As I've told you, Kingsley is protecting the Mug-I mean your Prime Minister.'

'Exactly – he's the best!' Dad exclaimed.

'Well, he's taken. But Hestia Jones and Dedalus Diggle are more than up for the job – '

'If we'd even seen the CVs…'

'These accidents aren't accidents – the crashes and explostions and derailments and whatever else has happened since we last watched the news. People are disappearing and dying and he's behind it – Voldemort. I've told you thisl over and over again, he kills Muggles for fun. Even the fogs – they're caused by Dementors, and if you can't remember what they are, ask your son!' Harry yelled, pointed at Dudley.

Dudley remembered all to well what Dementors where. That feeling suddenly came back to him – that feeling of hopelessness and emptiness…the feeling that you'd never be happy again. 'There are … more of them?' he stammered.

'More?' laughed Harry, making Dudley feel rather stupid. 'More than the two that attacked us you mean? Of course there are, there are hundreds, maybe thousands by this time, seeing as they feed off fear and despair – '

'All right, all right! You've made your point – ' Dad yelled.

'I hope so, because once I'm seventeen, all of them – Death Eaters, Dementors, maybe even Inferni, which means dead bodies enchanted by a Dark Wizard – will be able to find you and will certainly attack you. And if you remember the last time you tried to outrun wizards, I think you'll agree you need help.'

It got dead quiet. Mum staring at Dad. Dudley staring at Harry, trying to decide if he was serious or not; trying not to think about when Harry's furry friend had given him a curly tail. Finally, Dad blurted out 'But what about my work? What about Dudley's school? I don't suppose those things matter to a bunch of layabout wizards – '

'Don't you understand?' Harry shouted. '_They will torture and kill you like they did my parents!'_

Well they had to go now. But Dad was too stubborn to realise the danger of the situation, and Mum wouldn't leave if he didn't. He had to speak up…

'Dad…Dad I'm going with these Order people.'

Harry grinned. 'Dudley, for the first time in your life you're talking sense.' He turned to Dudley's parents and said 'they'll be here in about five minutes' and left the room.

The Dursleys just sat there in awkward silence until the door bell rang and Harry came back downstairs. Their escorts came inside and exchanged ecstatic greetings with Harry, then Dad, who seemed less pleased than Harry did. 'Well, this is goodbye then, boy' Dad said really loud. He made the motion as if he were to shake Harry's hand, but at the last second he changed his mind. But wait…wasn't he coming with them? Wasn't the whole point of hiding to keep everyone safe? What would happen to him? Where would he go?

'Ready, Diddy?' Mum asked, leading him out the door.

He pulled his hand out of hers and turned to Harry. 'I don't understand.'

Mum knelt down at his side, and in her falsely sweet voice said 'What don't you understand, Popkin?'

'Why isn't he coming too?' he asked, pointing at Harry.

'Well, he – he doesn't want to' said Dad in a booming voice. 'You don't want to, do you?' he asked Harry.

'Not in the slightest' said Harry.

'There you are Dudley. Now come on, we're off!' Dad told him.

But Dudley didn't move. He stood there for a long while, finally saying 'But where's he going to go?'

His parents were obviously frightened at the sudden interest in Harry he was showing. Hestia Jones, the woman who was to accompany them, broke the silence. 'But…surely you know where your nephew is going?'

'Certainly we know. He's off with some of your lot, isn't he? Right, Dudley, let's get in the car, you heard the man, we're in a hurry.' Dad marched to the front door, but Dudley didn't move.

Hesia was outraged. 'Off with some out _our _lot?'

'It's fine…it doesn't matter, honestly' Harry mumbled.

'Doesn't matter? Don't these people realize what you've been through? What danger you are in? The unique position you hold in the hearts of the anti-Voldemort movement?' she screamed. Dudley knew it. He was in danger. What if he didn't come back? This very easily could be the last time he'd see him. He didn't even have the car ride to put his words together. It was now or never…

'Er – no, they don't. They think I'm a waste of space, actually, but I'm used to – ' said Harry

'I don't think you're a waste of space' he said very suddenly. All eyes in the room turned to him, as this had most certainly been out of character. He turned a bit red in the face and lowered his eyes to the floor.

'Well…er…thanks, Dudley' said Harry, obviously quite shocked.

'You saved my life…' he said quietly.

'Not really. It was your soul the Dementor would have taken…'

Dudley found himself in the sobbing embrace of his mother. 'S – So sweet, Dudders…s – such a loving b – boy…s – saying thank you…' He just sat there, red faced and mentally exhausted, while she hugged him, sobbing about how proud she was, as if he'd done something heroic.

Dad obviously wasn't getting the touching moment. 'Are we going or not? I thought we were on a tight schedule!'

Dedalus and Hestia exchanged goodbyes with Harry and wished him luck. Dudley squirmed out of his mother's arms and approached Harry a bit awkwardly. He held out his hand to shake Harry's, who was still gawking at him. 'Blimey Dudley, did the Dementors blow a different personality into you?'

Feeling quite stupid with his hand still stretched out, he muttered 'dunno…see you, Harry'

'Yeah…maybe.' Harry grabbed his hand and shook it. 'Take care, Big D.'

Dudley grinned, then ran out to the car with his dad, having exhausted himself emotionally, and quite anxious to get out of the awkwardness of the situation. His mum came out shortly after, and got in the car. Dudley stared at the back window watching the house fade from view.

* * *

><p>Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number seven, Duke Drive, were perfectly normal. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious, because everyone knew Mr Dursley's parents just didn't hold with such nonsense.<p>

Mr Dursley was the director for a company that made aeroplanes. In years past, Mr Dursely had been quite a whale. His childhood was marked by hundreds of doughnuts and trousers that consistently grew too tight, but in adulthood he had evened out quite nicely. He was lean and fit and was, as his wife proudly told her friends, quite a catch. His wife Sally was tall, thin, and blonde just like her husband. When she wasn't jogging around the neighbourhood, you could find her at any of the nice resturaunts in town sipping tea and chatting away in her tiny heels. Their lives were perfect. Perfect job. Perfect house. Perfect child. So perfect in fact, that it was rather boring. Long gone were the days of screaming parents and disappearing glass. The in-laws never floated away, invisible creatures never attacked, and there was nothing scary living in the next room. It had been that way for nineteen years, and he was used to it.

Yes, when Dudley Dursley woke that morning, he was expecting it to be another normal, dull day signing paperwork and yelling at employees. His dream had been quite peculiar though. Hardly a dream at all. A replay of the night he and his parents had gone into hiding. He hadn't given that night a thought in years. Did it mean something?

Dudley pushed the thought aside. He hadn't seen his cousin in years. How could anything like that happen? Besides, his life was too normal to allow for such things.

He climbed out of bed and started his mundane routine. Shirt buttoned. Trousers on. Teeth brushed. Bladder emptied. Face shaved. Shoes on. Tie tied. Then he slipped around the bed, kissed his wife gently on the cheek and headed downstairs.

He started a pot of water and made himself some breakfast while it heated. Once it was done he made himself a cup of tea as he had been doing for nineteen years now. To think the basis of his routine started all those years ago, when he'd suddenly grown a brain.

6:00. Time to go. He passed his daughter's room on his way out. Paisley was her name. She would be eleven in a weeks' time. Eleven! He couldn't believe it.

Dudley grabbed his breifcase and started for the front door. He was halfway through the living room when he heard it. A light rapping on the window. Then he saw the large tawny owl pecking at the window.

And it had a letter.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, I apologise the middle part was all straight from Deathly Hallows. I needed a place to start from to show a bit of Dudley and Petunia's character, which really is how I interpreted them after that chapter, but exaggerated a bit. Petunia and Dudley may seem a bit out of character, but seeing as their personalities are less-than-desirable, I'm sure all is forgiven. ;) And really I don't think they're quite as horrible as they're made out to be.<strong>

**Thanks for reading!**

**Review! Or I'm sending Dementors!**

**Criticism is welcome, even invited. As long as it's constructive criticism! This is only my third story, and only the second one I don't completely hate. That being said, it is still a work in progress - as are my writing skills - so be kind, but don't be afraid to point out mistakes. Ideas/suggestions? Should I continue?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, hello! Thanks for all the reviews and favourites! =)**

**Disclaimer: I like to pretend I'm from 'across the pond' but I'm not really. An example of that being right above this. I don't own Harry Potter; that belongs to ole JK (ol'?).**

* * *

><p>Dudley slowly untied the letter and looked it over. Sure enough, it had a Hogwarts seal on the front. On the backside, in emerald green ink, it read:<p>

_Ms P. Dursley_  
><em>1st bedroom on the left<em>  
><em>7 Duke Drive<em>  
><em>York Town, Surrey<em>

A Hogwarts letter? For Paisley? But that's impossible! He wasn't a wizard! Sally was no witch! And surely any magical genes from his mum's side would be killed by the Vernon Dursley gene. But wait, he hadn't even opened it up yet! Maybe she hadn't been accepted at all. It could be an invitation. Maybe one of her cousins had a game and wanted her to go. Oh, what was he talking about? It was the middle of July! Still, he needn't worry until after he opened it.

Hands trembling, he tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter. It was written in the same emerald green ink, with big swirly handwriting on a bit of parchment. It read:

Headmaster: Pomona Sprout (Order of Merlin, Third Class)

_Dear Ms Dursley,_  
><em>We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. <em>  
><em>Yours sincerely, Neville Longbottom Deputy Headmaster<em>

Behind the letter there was a second piece of parchment, addressed to 'Mr Dursley'. Maybe this was all a joke. Perhaps this note would explain that very fact to him. Yes...yes that was highly probable. He really needn't worry./ppHe unfolded the yellow parchment, his comfort vanishing quickly.

_Dudley Dursley,_  
><em>If you would like the assistance of a Hogwarts instructor, you may request one within your<br>response - sent our way of course, using the owl who delivered this letter. _  
><em>~Neville Longbottom<em>

Dudley sat down on the front step, resting his forehead in the palm of his hand. How could he explain this to his wife? She'd think he was a nutter! That he'd gone mad! Perhaps he was mad. Perhaps this was all in his imagination. He _had_ had a bit too much to drink last night. Was he still drunk? Was this part of the hangover?

Maybe he should just ignore it. Paisley was in a good school. She had plenty of friends in her class, and was receiving high marks. She was happy here! It wouldn't do any harm, right? Sally would never have to know.

No, that was insane. He had never been good at lying - not that it would be _lying,_ really. Just withholding the truth! No, he wasn't any better at that. She'd know something was up. She always did.

The great tawny owl joined him on the front step, hooting sweetly, holding out its leg. It was waiting for his response. Maybe he should kill it.

'You'd better get out of here. Before you get me in trouble with Sally' he said. The owl hopped closer, holding her leg up higher. 'You're not going to let me ignore you, are you?' She hooted softly to confirm.

He should kill it.

He looked at the letter again. It didn't seem so long ago that his living room had been filled with them. If he ignored this, like his father had, would the same thing happen to him? He had to answer. He had to decline. But would Sally kill him for hiding that side of the family? It wasn't as if he'd forgotten to mention a great great aunt that didn't like him. His cousin could kill him with the flick of a stick! Though Harry certainly wouldn't, there were plenty of 'his lot' who would. Would she be angered that he had withheld this knowledge? It would only be a matter of time before she figured it out. And what if she agreed to let her go? He would have already sealed the deal.

'What do you suppose I should do?'

The owl just stared. Where do you get a gun at six in the morning?

'Yeah. That's what I thought.'

She cocked her head to the side, staring with an owl's equivalent to a raised eyebrow. Was it illegal to shoot an owl?

'I've gone mental! I'm talking to a ruddy bird!'

The owl pecked his shin angrily.

'Sorry' he muttered. 'Suppose I deserved that. I guess I should just get it over with. Go tell her. She's bound to find out eventually.'

Or he could always go back to the 'shoot it' plan. How does one go about disposing of an owl carcass?

As if reading his mind, she gave him another peck - this one harder than the last - and nudged him towards the door.

"All right, all right! I'm going." He dragged himself to his feet and entered the house. The owl flew in after him and planted herself on the kitchen table. Putting on a brave face, he walked into his bedroom. Sally was sleeping soundly, curled up in the covers. Dudley slipped silently around the bed and leaned in really close. 'Hello love' he whispered in her ear. She sluggishly sat up and stretched.

'Dudley? What are you still doing here?'

He sat down on the bed. 'Something came for Paisley, that I think you should see.'

'Today? But the post doesn't come 'til nine.'

'It was a...special delivery. It's from this...special school...up North. They want her to join them next term. It's a really good school, Hogwa-'

Sally groaned. 'I knew this was coming. Dudley...please Don't be mad...I didn't want to tell you because your father was so...close minded, and I - '

'Sally?' He took a step back. 'What on earth are you talking about?'

She fell back onto the bed, burying her face in her hands. 'The school! It's called Hogwarts, and it - '

'Wait, you know?'

'_You_ know?'

'Well of course I know! My cousin is - '

'He's _that_ Harry Potter?'

'Yes! Yes! So, you're - '

'No no, all muggle - or Squib actually...my parents are both magic, and my sister is too. I think she would have been in your cousin's year. She used to tell me all kinds of stories about Hogwarts...you're not mad are you? That I am what I - '

'Mad? Are you joking?' he picked her up by the waist and spun her around. 'It's fantastic!'

'So she can go?'

'Of course! Should we call for the official? Or do you think we can explain it ourselves?'

'I think we should be the ones to tell her.'

'I agree!' he said cheerfully. No stranger was going to tell how special she was. That's a fathers job.

'Honey - it's six thirty!'

'Oh, I've got to go! I'll phone Harry, he can help us get her supplies and everything! My daughter is going to be a witch! And a bloody good one at that!' He kissed Sally on the cheek and ran out the door. 'Don't tell her without me!'

As Dudley drove to work, he couldn't hold in his excitement. Although he wanted to be happy for his daughter and her newly discovered skill, that was not the cause of his excitement. Even though at first, the letter had made him uneasy, it was only for fear that his wife reacted like his father. He had never known anyone who knew of magic that approved of it - besides Harry of course. But now, he was almost relieved that she would be going to Hogwarts. It meant she was special. That there was something she could do that none of the others could. And it meant, perhaps he wasn't like his father after all.

During work hours, he tried to act as if there was nothing on his mind. However, as he made awkward conversation with his nauseatingly plain co-workers, he couldn't help but feel a little smug. Their children would go to a normal schools and learn normal things like math and science and grow up to have normal jobs like accountancy, or working for aeroplane companies. But most importantly, these men would go home to their dull, normal families, while he would go home to his magical daughter. Finally something to separate him from the norm.

Dudley rushed home from work, speeding through stop signs and running a few red lights in the process. He joined his wife in the kitchen, where she sat at the table with the Hogwarts owl, staring at the letter. 'Are you ready?' he asked.'Definitely. She's out back with Lydia.'

Dudley opened the back door and called for Paisley. She and Lydia both came running. 'What is it Dad?'

'Something came for you in the post. It's about your school, and we have some things to discuss.'/ppPaisley looked at him skeptically 'Am I in trouble?'

'No, of course not. But it is important. It will only take a few minutes' he assured her.

Paisley, still a bit hesitant, turned to Lydia. 'You go ahead. I'll be out in a few minutes.' She sat down next to her mother, eyeing the owl. 'Okay, so what's up?'

Dudley handed her the letter. Eyebrows raised, she took the envelope. 'Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? And this came in the post? Is this a joke?'

'Paisley, just go ahead and read the whole thing aloud please' he said.

'Alright..."Dear Ms Dursley, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. Yours sincerely, Neville Longbottom. Deputy Headmaster." Okay, so what is this? Witchcraft and Wizardry, what the heck is that supposed to mean?'

'Well honey...Sally would you like to take it from here?'

'_Thanks, _Dudley. Paisley...you remember Dad's cousin Harry, right? Goodness knows it's been ages since you saw him. You know how his children go to boarding school? It is the same one they attend. It is a school for...for very special people, and we want you to go.'

'_Special? _What do you mean "special"?'

'Well...it is...it's magic, Paisley. '

'My school is good too.'

'No, I don't mean it like that. It is a school of magic. You know...potions and spells and whatnot.'

Paisley raised an eyebrow again. 'What are you talking about?'

'It's all right there in the letter. _Witchcraft and Wizardry._ It's a school of _magic._'

'Mum...I think I'll just go back outside now...'

'Oh, it's the most wonderful place Paisley. The paintings speak to you, and the staircases move...'

Paisley hopped up out of her chair and started backing away slowly towards the door. 'I'm going back to Lydia now...'

'There are unicorns!' Sally called as she bolted out the door. 'Well I suppose I should have seen that coming' she sighed and handed Dudley the phone.

'What's this for?'

'Call Harry. It's obvious we can't handle this on our own.'

Dudley hesitantly began dialling the number. What would he say? It'd been so long since his last visit with the Potters. Paisley must have been about seven! Christmas cards are one thing, but a legitimate conversation? And wasn't it a bit rude to call only to ask a favour?

The phone was ringing. Maybe he should just hang up. But what if they have caller ID? They'd know he called anyway...

The ringing stopped, and he was greeted with a 'Dudley?' from an obviously surprised Harry.

'Hello...Harry...it, uh...it's been a while, hasn't it?' he asked, practically choking on the awkwardness.

'Yes it has, Dudley. What brought this up?'

'Just...wanted to catch up. What's new with your - I mean the magic world?'

'Er, nothing really. The kids just got their letters. We're off to get their supplies tomorrow. It's Albus' first year, you know.'

Tomorrow...he could take off work tomorrow. There wasn't anything all too important going on. Tomorrow could work. 'Harry? Something came for Paisley today...not the usual way I might add.'

'You're joking!'

'No, actually. Sally's maiden name was Abbott. Her sister - '

'Hannah? I didn't know she had a sister. Witch?'

'Squib.'

'Ah. Well Dudley, you're welcome to join us tomorrow. We'll show you around' said Harry cheerfully.

'Harry...she didn't believe us.'

'Really? I take it she hasn't had anything like the snake incident then.'

'Nothing of the sort. She seemed...muggle to me.' An unpleasant thought found it's way into his head. 'It couldn't be a mistake, could it?'

Harry laughed. 'No mistake. If she got a letter, she's one of us. How about I come by? I'm sure I could convince her.'

Dudley let out a sigh of relief. 'Thank you! That would be great. How soon can you be here?'

There was a loud cracking sound, causing Dudley and Sally both to jump. He shot around and saw his cousin sitting at his kitchen table. 'About that fast' Harry answered, hanging up the phone. 'So Paisley's a witch, huh?' Dudley awkwardly nodded. 'So how should I do this? I could always blast the door down and give you a pig tail. Bet that'd do it.' He laughed a bit and tipped back in his chair.

There was a long silence. This was how these things usually went. An awkward start, the occasional spark of casual conversation, and a long silence, followed by the 'Wow, would you look at the time!' line that really just meant 'I can't take this anymore'. At least in years past, there had been the little ones running around they could focus on instead. It was no wonder they'd stopped visiting./ppThankfully enough, Paisley came running in and worked her magic - so to speak. 'Mum, can Lydia spend the night?'

'Not tonight honey. In fact, it's time for her to go home. It's about dinner time. And we have a guest!'

Paisley eyed Harry with the same hesitation as she did the bird. 'Who's he?'

Harry chuckled. 'Has it really been that long Paisley? Come on! It's Harry!'

'Dad's cousin?'

'That's the one.'

Lydia, who looked anxious to leave, slipped her trainers on and started for the door. 'I'll see you tomorrow then.'

Paisley plopped down on the seat beside Harry. 'Is Lily here? Or Albus?'

'No, just me. Your father called me and invited me over. Said we needed to catch up. So Paisley, what's new? Anything interesting happen lately?'

She eyed the owl, who was still sitting on the table. 'Am I the only one who sees the bird?

'No, I see her. So anything interesting happen?'

'Well there is an iowl /iin my kitchen, for starters. And my parents of gone completely mad. Mum keeps talking about this school with unicorns and moving staircases.'

'Oh, so you got accepted then? Fantastic school, Hogwarts is. You'll love it!'

Paisley groaned. 'Not you too! I think the joke's gone on long enough. It's not even funny!'

'Joke? This is no joke.' Harry grinned and pulled his wand out of his back pocket. 'I'll show you a joke.' He pointed his wand at Dudley, muttered something incomprehensive, and suddenly there was a sharp pain in his bum.

He twisted around to get a good look, and once again saw a curly pink tail poking out of his trousers. 'Harry!'

His cousin fell back on his chair laughing. 'Sorry Dudders, I just couldn't resist!'

Paisley jumped up out of her chair and ran to get a good look. She gave it a good flick, watching it bounce back and forth, while Dudley tried to ignore the fact that his daughter was staring at his rear. 'Daddy, is it...real?' He nodded, casually turning towards her - keeping the tail out of sight.

'All right Harry, you can get it off now' he mumbled.

'All right, fine.' He waved his wand again, and Dudley's bum felt normal again. 'You know, you look good with a tail' Harry said, failing to hide a grin.

Paisley ran back to Harry. 'How did you do that?'

'You liked it?'

'It was brilliant!'

'Oh, that's nothing. You'll learn all sorts of spells like that at school' Harry said.

'So, it's real?'

'Of course it's real! You think your dad would train an owl just to pull one on you? Listen, if you're still not convinced, come with me tomorrow. I'm taking James and Albus to get their school books. Trust me, after a day in Diagon Alley all your doubts will be gone.'

'Alright, we'll come along then. If it's alright with Dad.' She looked up at Dudley with pouty lips and pleading eyes.

'Of course we'll go. What time, Harry?' he said.

'Oh, I'll just pop by 'round noon to pick you up. I'd best be headed home now. Ginny's got dinner ready, and she'll kill me if I make her wait. See you tomorrow!' And with that, he turned on the spot and vanished with a familiar cracking noise, leaving Paisley wide eyed and speechless.

Dudley couldn't believe it. Tomorrow, he was going to get her school things. He was going to Diagon Alley.

Tomorow, he was going into the wizard world.

* * *

><p><strong>Okay this chapter proved challenging to finish. No matter how many times I wrote and rewrote it, it just didn't sound right. I still feel like it's not right, but this is the best I've gotten it to sound. Is it okay? Sorry it was nearly all dialouge. I'll try to avoid that next time.<strong>

**So Sally's a Squib...I mean I couldn't go against what JKR said, could I? Yeah I could...but I didn't. About the 2nd note thing...yeah I wasn't sure how that would work. I mean muggleborns have someone sent to them to explain, but technically Paisley isn't muggleborn right? Really I just liked the idea of Dudley having to ask Harry for help. And since Neville is the herbology teacher, Sprout had to have left the position but I didn't think she was old enough to already be retired or dead, and JK said McGonnagal wasn't it, and I figured all the teachers that participated in the Battle of Hogwarts would get _something_ for it...and this note is losing coherency so I think I'll leave it at that.**

**Like it? Hate it? Review! Reviews make for happy authors!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello you extremely patient readers! Yes, I FINALLY updated. Now I'm sure no one wants excuses but I have a valid one - or four, rather.**

**1st I was away from home for a while. Spent two weeks in Provo, Utah visiting family and such - a week of it spent on campus. Ate at the creamery a lot. Had several Jamba Juice smoothies. Fudge from the BYU bookstore. DAAAAAANNG twix bar fudge is good. Best week ever. But I had no internet whatsoever. So there's two weeks excuse.**

**Then, I came home and...I was a hobo. Our house had sold, we had moved out, and we had yet to move into the new one/purchase it. So I spent a few days as a hobo.**

**Then we bought a house, and moved in, and had none of our stuff for two days.**

**Then AT&T was supposed to come out and install internet. And they didn't. Five times. There were several angry phone calls directed at them involving lots of screaming. So after a week and a half of that, we switched to Comcast, and called AT&T back to rub it in their faces.**

**So basically, I haven't had any internet in over a month. Now enough excuses here it is:**

When Dudley woke up the following morning, it took quite a while to remember the day's unusual schedule. He was already half way through his morning routine when he realised. He'd begun to head back to bed when he noticed Paisley's lights were on. Poking his head into her room, he found her sitting in the middle of the room wearing a black pointed hat – like a witch – and carrying a play wand – the kind with a star on the end. He stifled a chuckle and let himself in. 'Excited?'

She nodded eagerly.

'How long have you been up?'

'Never slept' she admitted sheepishly.

'I wouldn't have if I were you. I'd be far too excited. How about some breakfast? Crepes sound good?'

Paisley gave her approval, and Dudley headed off to what had always been his favourite room - the kitchen. His unhealthy relationship with food never really had been cured, just tamed a bit and redirected. Shovelling down buckets of candy and cake was far from appealing, but a nice creme brulee he would do anything for.

He'd taken a few culinary classes at the local university, but when it came time to chose a profession he went with something 'sensible'; something his dad would approve of. The knowledge from those courses was now only used to cook dinner for the kids and special treats for Sally on anniversaries and birthdays.

Dudley finished up the crepes, drizzled them in chocolate, and set them on the table for the family. Sally was down within a few minutes, quite happy to have a delicious breakfast already on the table.

'Harry will probably be here around eleven. What would you like to do until then? Only...four more hours...'

'Oh, I'm sorry Dudley. I'd forgotten I promised Donna I'd help her prepare for her big interview. You'll have to take her without me.'

'Oh...I'm sorry you'll have to miss it...'

'It's fine, really it is. I've been before. I went with Hannah every year.'

'When do you leave?'

'About now' she said, scraping up the last of the chocolate from her plate. 'We have to find her something to wear as well. You know how long that could take.' She placed her plate in the sink, gave Dudley a kiss, and ran out the door.

* * *

><p>Harry popped in at about noon with one of his sons. 'Hey Big D. Is Paisley ready?'<p>

Dudley rolled his eyes at the old nickname. 'She'll be out in a minute. This is James, right?'

'Yup. Ginny took everyone else through the Floo network – the fireplace, as I'm sure you remember - but I thought you should go through the front entrance. I remember my first experience with Floo powder…" he shuddered. "Wasn't pleasant."

'Harry...' Dudley began, despite feeling it to be a rather childish thing to ask. 'Harry, what if they don't like me?'

'What ever are you talking about Dudley?'

'Well, you know what I was like as a kid. And don't tell me you never complained to them about me...I know I deserved it.'

Harry chuckled. 'Dudley, that was_ twenty years ago! _You're more than forgiven by now, trust me.'

Paisley came bounding out of her bedroom, wearing a unicorn shirt. "You like unicorns, huh?" Harry grinned. "You wanna know a secret? They're _real._'

"They're REAL?''

'Yup! Seen one myself. Gorgeous creatures, they are. There are plenty in the Forbidden Forest, and every once in a while they wander out onto grounds. If you're lucky, you might get to see one. That is…if you decide to go.'

'Are you mad? Of course I'm going! Who would choose Flemmings Elementary over Hogwarts?' she exclaimed – a certain amount of reverence in her voice as she spoke the name of the wonderful school.

'Ready to go then?'

She nodded excitedly. 'So how are we getting there? Portal? Broomstick? Or do we just poof in?'

'Well normally yes. But seeing as you two can't apparate, and the Floo network is a bit dodgy, we're going the less exciting way. The train.'

So they all piled in to Dudley's car and drove to the station. Boarding a train to London hardly felt magical, but as Dudley knew nothing about magic aside from all those stupid American films his father in law made him watch, he decided to keep quiet.

'Is Sally meeting us there?" Harry asked.

'She had other arrangements.'

'Oh. Well that's a shame.'

They stepped off the train and followed Harry for several more blocks, passing many grubby hamburger bars and book shops along the way – non of them looking particularly magical. Harry stopped at one corner and pointed to a shabby looking shop across the street. 'There she is. The Leaky Caldron. The place is famous in our world.'

The smell of drunkenness filled the room and Dudley saw many questionable persons sitting at the bar. Paisley gripped his hand tighter as a toothless man passed them. Not everyone in the bar was frightening, but there were enough to scare him off.

Dudley pulled Harry to the side. 'A pub? _Really,_Harry? You brought my kid to a ruddy pub?'

'Relax, Dudley. Just follow me.' Harry grabbed James by the hand and headed for the back of the shop. Dudley followed him out the back door to a dead end.

'Dad, can I do it this time?'

'Sure, James. Go ahead.'

Dudley stared at the wall again. 'Do _what _exactly?'

James took his wand out and tapped a few of the bricks above the dustbin, muttering 'three up, two across', and stepped back. The brick he touched wriggled a bit, and a hole formed. The bricks around the hole folded inward, opening more and more until it formed a large archway ten feet high, Dudley grabbed his daughter's hand and stepped through.

A cobblestone road was laid out in front of him, starting just after the 'dead end', leading to a large array of various shops. Everyone was dressed in wizard robes, owls sat in cages carried by dozens of children, and he thought he saw a three-eyed cat in a window.

'So...where do we start?'

Harry laughed. 'A bit much, isn't it? Well, come on then. Ron and Hermione are waiting by Olivander's.'

Paisley gripped his hand tighter as they approached the red headed man and the curly haired woman. The woman ran up and hugged Harry, and the ginger did the same.

'Oi! Harrry! Who's this bloke?'

'Ron, this is my cousin, Dudley. Paisley - his daughter - received a _letter _yesterday.'

'Ohh I do love Muggleborns. Their reactions are priceless' Ron laughed.

'We need to head to Gringotts first. Dudley, Paisley, this way please.'

They walked through Diagon Alley, passing shop after shop, witch after witch, and Dudley felt there was more to see than one could possibly see all at once. He felt like a kid in a candy shop, discovering more flavours and sweets than thought possible. He could only imagine what Paisley was thinking.

The cobblestone path came to an end at the great marble steps of a slightly slanted building with a sign that said 'GRINGOTTS'.

As they neared the steps, Dudley rushed to catch up with Harry. 'What is Gringotts?'

'The wizard bank.' He paused with his hand on the door and turned back to him. 'Dudley, Paisley…don't…freak out.'

'I think we can handle a bank, Harry.'

'Yes, Dudley…I'm sure you can. Just…be warned.' Harry opened the door and led them inside.

Dudley had never seen anything like it. Behind those golden doors were a long line of desks, each hosting a small man with a large nose and long witch-like fingernails.

'…Harry?'

'They're goblins.'

'Goblins?'

'Goblins. Time to get your money.'

Harry led them up to the front desk, where a goblin with an especially squished face and large nose sat. He looked up from his notes at Dudley, with a look full of distaste. Then he turned his attention to Harry. 'Mr Potter. So…nice to see you.'

'Morning, Warwick. Always a pleasure.'

'Will you be making a withdrawal?'

'Not yet. First, my cousin here needs to make an exchange.'

'Right away, sir. Second desk on the left. Good day, Mr Potter.'

Harry pulled Dudley and Paisley to the desk. 'Go make your exchanged.'

Dudley handed the goblin a handful of various bills and was handed a small sack of gold, silver, and bronze coins. He pulled one out of the bag, rolling it around in his hands, and Paisley took one herself. It looked as though it was straight from Jack Sparrow's treasure chest.

'Dad, what are these?'

'Your new form of money. We'll use it to buy your school things.'

Harry was back by the main desk, talking to the head goblin. 'Thank you, Warwick.'

'Harry, I got the money' he handed him the sack.

'Knuts are the little brown ones. Silver are sickles and the gold are galleons. Twenty-nine knuts to a sickle, seventeen sickles to a galleon. Got it?'

'I think so.'

'Good. Now it's time for mine. Want to see the vault?'

Dudley and Paisley followed Harry and the goblin to a small, goblin sized cart and climbed inside. Then, very suddenly, the cart took off. Paisley grabbed onto Dudley, he grabbed onto Harry, and they both held on for dear life.

The cart came to a stop. 'Vault 687' the goblin called. Dudley stepped out the cart, feeling dizzy and nauseous. Paisley ran to his side. 'Dad, are you okay?'

'What? Oh…yeah. I'm...I'm fine. I'll be fine.'

The goblin took a key out of his pocket and opened the vault.

Harry was rich.

There were piles and piles of those same gold coins. Columns of them lined the back wall, along with piles of silver coins and little heaps of the bronze ones. How long had he had all that money? Why, he could have bought himself his own house and moved out by the time he was eleven!

Harry grabbed and bagged a handful of coins and headed back for the cart. 'You need a second?'

'No…no I'm fine. Let's just get back to the surface.' He climbed back in and the cart went flying back up the track.

It wasn't quite as bad on the way up. It was just as fast; just as nauseating. But this time at least he knew what was going to happen.

The cart stopped at the top of the track, and Dudley was very happy to get off. Everyone was waiting outside the bank. 'So…how was the cart ride? Lose his breakfast?' James asked.

Harry, ignoring the question, started for another shop.

After picking up her caldron and potion ingredients, they headed for Madame Malkins. Paisley was told to stand up on a stool while the woman pinned the robes to the right length.

'Dudley, Ron and I are going to head next door and buy the new school books. Would you care to join us? Ginny will stay with her – Albus needs robes as well.'

Dudley obliged and followed them into the book store. Harry went up to the counter and requested all the books they needed – two of each – while Dudley looked around. On one shelf was a cage with several big, fuzzy books inside. As he bent down to read the sign, the books sprang to life and began snapping at him, growling as they did; and they had _teeth! _He jumped back a few feet in fright. _Monster book of Monsters. _He was nearly positive that wasn't a popular choice.

Next to the monster books were piles of curse books. _Curses and Counter curses_ - _Bewitch your Friends and Befuddle your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Volume Six._

Out of curiosity, he began flipping through the book. Just as he found one mildly entertaining - one that he certainly didn't want Paisley learning, Harry tore him away to head to the next place.

Ginny and Hermione were waiting outside with the kids. 'I think we just have Ollivanders left. It's a rather small shop though. We can't all go in at once.' Ginny said. 'Harry, I took James. You go ahead and take Albus and Paisley.'

'I've saved the best for last, Paisley. You'll love it. Ollivander is the best, I promise.' Harry opened the door to the shop.

The walls were lined with shelves, each full of small, rectangular boxes. On the right end of the room was a small desk where a man with wispy silver hair stood watching them. 'Good afternoon' he said, crossing the room to greet them. He moved quite slowly, with crude joints that hardly seemed to work. Dudley wondered if wizards ever retire because, by Muggle standards, Mr Ollivander's retirement was long overdue. The man was _ancient! _How old exactly he had no idea, but he would have guessed at least eighty.

'Harry Potter…it seems like only yesterday you were here buying your first wand. Eleven inches of holly, with a phoenix feather…of course it seems like even less time since you broke me out of the Mannor. I see you turned out all right.'

'Always a pleasure seeing you Ollivander. Ginny said something about your hip acting up. How have you been feeling?'

'Oh I'm just getting old, that's all. Planning on retirement soon enough. I'm training an apprentice, you see. David, my nephew.' The man then turned to James. 'Ah, I remember you as well. Now weren't you a tricky one? Your father wasn't there that day…work I presume. But your mother and I spent quite some time dodging wayward drawers and boxes. Just like your grandfather – your namesake even. But we found the wand for you eventually. Ten inch mahogany with a dragon heartstring – same combination as your grandfather actually. Funny how things turn out.' Albus was next. 'Albus Potter. I knew you'd be coming soon. You have your father's eyes, you know, Your grandmother had those same eyes. I'll be selling you a wand very soon. This is a big step you know. Your first wand...' Finally, he turned his attention to Paisley, hunching over to meet her at eye level. 'And you…I can't say that I've met you before.' He straightened his back to look at Dudley, his silver eyes never blinking. 'You either. I never sold you a wand. Did you go through a different wand maker? Oh, nonsense. You don't look foreign. And everyone local comes though here.' He bent back down to Paisley. 'That must mean you're a muggleborn. Muggleborns are always the most fun – or even ones like Harry who just never knew. We'll let you go first then. Albus, do you mind?'

'Not at all.'

'Good, very good. Now David, why don't I let you take this one?'

David hopped up from his stool. 'Okay, step up front here for a moment. What is your wand arm?'

'My what?'

'Are you right handed?'

She nodded slowly.

David grabbed her right wrist and pulled it outwards, measuring her arm from shoulder to finger, then each segment of her arm separately – which Dudley understood perfectly. But then it began measuring the circumference of her head and the width of her armpit, and he became quite confused. 'Harry…what's this got to do with wands?'

'I never did understand this part…the simple explanation? It's _magic'_ he said with a grin.

The measuring tape continued to measure odd parts of her body as David began to look through the shelves. 'Now…er….' his voice trailed off, searching for a name.

'Paisley.'

'Yes, Paisley. Now Paisley, every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance' he said, perfectly reciting Ollivander's speech. 'We have unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers and the heartstrings of dragons. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two unicorns, dragons or phoenixes are quite the same. And of course, you will never get such good results with another witch or wizard's wand' he explained, the last bit coming out with a grunt as he climbed back down the latter with a large pile of boxes. 'Let's get started, shall we?'

He handed her the first wand. 'Oak with dragonheart string' he explained. 'Well go on, then. Try it out.'

'Give it a swish' Harry whispered.

Paisley swished it around a few times, but nothing happened. 'Nope' he ripped the wand out of her hands.

'Cherry and phoenix feather.'

The moment she touched the wand an entire row of wands flew off the shelf, paper and boxes fluttering about the room.

'No no...that's not it.'

He picked up the only box that remained on the shelf and handed it to her. 'Ash and unicorn hair.'

This time, the tip of the wand glowed and a bright light filled the room. 'Wonderful, yes you've found it! Well...I suppose _it _found _you. _The wand chooses the wizard' he said proudly, looking to Ollivander for approval.

'What do you mean by that?'

'Only that this wand thinks you're perfect for it. It wanted you from the beginning.' And with that he boxed up the wand, rung it up, and dismissed them.

Albus took only one try to get the right one. Walnut and dragonheart string. Dudley was almost disappointed. The trip to Diagon Alley was coming to a close.

As they began to head for the exit, Ginny called to them. 'Dudley, Mum is having the family for dinner on Sunday. We'd be delighted if you could come. Sally as well! I would love to meet her.'

'I would love to come. Thank you!'

Dudley and Paisley spent the train ride home laughing about all the strange things they'd seen, looking over her new supplies, and - most importantly - drooling over her new wand. By the time they arrived back to the house, Dudley was sure of it. This was by far his favourite day he'd had in a long time.

He practically skipped into the house. 'Sally! We're back!'

'Dudders!'

**So thank you to all the new readers. I always do enjoy seeing new alerts.**

**Thank you for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello my lovelies. It's been a while, hasn't it? Not as long as last time, but long enough. Fastest update yet, isn't it? I'll admit, I'm having a bit of trouble writing this at the moment...I go through these little obsessive phases, and at the moment my brain has been taken over by Merlin and all Harry Potter thoughts (or any other thoughts for that matter) have been exterminated. **_EXTERMINATED? Surely that doesn't mean...THE DALEKS? _**(Okay I guess not _all _other thoughts...)**** But Harry Potter is still in there somewhere...and now that I've finished all the Merlin possible for now (anyone know when it starts again?), my obsession juices should balance themselves out once more, and Harry Potter will be allowed in my head again. It was helped a little bit by the fact that as I was finishing up the last season of Merlin, I saw someone very familiar and I spazzed out a bit. Season 3, episode 11, I saw..._drum roll please..._DUDLEY! OOOOOOOOOHHH it was NICE. Can you imagine? _Dudley _with _magic? _Strange sight, really. Plus then a few episodes before that I saw Jenny - the Doctor's 'daughter', from the Doctor Who episode titled as such - as some stuffy princess Arthur ends up making out with endlessly. AND THEN I noticed that the Great Dragon is Mr. Freakin Ollivander. *dies* So Merlin is helping to bring back some of my other obsessions. **

**Thank you for the alerts and favorites and, my personal favorite, the _reviews. _A good review is like a virtual cup of coffee****, did you know? It makes you all hyper and helps you get through the next chapter. But the great thing about it is you don't crash later! So as your virtual, self-employed, Court Physician, I prescribe a healthy dosage of positive reviews to be taken daily. Hypothetically speaking, if you were to drink a LOT of this coffee...would you like...get high, or something? Happy high? High from the happy? EVERYONE! SHARE THE HYPOTHETICAL COFFEE! **

_**Yes, **_**that was just me telling you to review...but I'm not going to black mail you into reviewing or anything. I'll update regardless. But this review coffee stuff might just speed up the process...also I just _really _like the stuff. Never had _coffee _coffee before...don't really plan on it. I don't like the smell. But virtual coffee is the best. Especially virtual coffee spiked with the ever so addicting drug called _compliments. _Don't even try to tell me you haven't smoked it before! I know you better than that! (can you _smoke _coffee? huff it? I'm not exactly an expert in the drug field...or the coffee one.)**

***looks at ground sheepishly* *briefly wonders where the term _sheepishly _came from* *pictures sheep staring at ground sheepishly* I'm not crazy! Denial? Possibly. **

**AND ON WITH THE CHAPTER!**

Petunia and Vernon Dursley - Mum and Dad - sitting in his living room.

Dudley was _not _ready for this.

'Oh, Vernon, would you look at our little boy? Dudley, you grow more handsome every time I see you!' Mum squeaked, running over to hug her son. By the way she carried on, you'd think Dudley was the prodigal son or something - squeezing him so tight he could hardly breath, all the while squealing almost to the point of sobbing. As he tried to squirm his way out of her arms, he pushed the owl cage behind the door in hopes it would go unnoticed.

Mum finally pulled away and looked him over, head to toe. She poked at his stomach. 'Dudley! You've lost weight! Doesn't Sally feed you any more?'

'I'm eating fine, Mother' he muttered.

'Dudley, my boy! How've you been?' Dad bellowed.

'Er...'

'Well don't just stand there! Sit!'

Dudley sat.

'How's Paisley been?' he asked. Then, without waiting for an answer he rushed into his next thought. 'You know, I picked something up for her on the way here. Go ahead and look. It's in the bag on the table.'

Dudley eyed the bag. _What will it be this time? _At least it was small...and they had limited it to one. He was nearly certain they couldn't fit a pony or a big screen television inside. Of course...it could be an adoption certificate for said pony...

Inside turned out not to be a pony or expensive tele, but something infuriating nonetheless. '_Dad. _An iphone 14_? Really?' _

_'_Yes _really. _You were nine by the time you got your first phone! Paisley's is long over due.'

'But an _iphone?'_

'I know! She'll love it! Can't wait to give it to her. Don't you agree, Dudley?'

'Yes...' Dudley paused, seeing the 'I'm right and you know it' look on his father's face. Where exactly was he going with that? What would he say? What he wanted to say was _'She can't have it because I don't want to turn my kid into a rotten spoiled brat like you did to me. I will _not _be like you.' _But what he said instead was 'It's lovely, Dad. But you'll have to hide it until her birthday. Keep it a surprise until then.'

'Of course I will! It's so much more fun to open up an _iphone _when it's among the lesser presents like clothes and kiddy toys!'

An awkward silence grew between the two as Dudley mentally beat himself for his cowardice. 'You must be hungry from the long drive. I'll fix something' he offered, wanting any reason to excuse himself.

Dad caught him by the arm as he got up. 'Nonsense, Dudley. That's woman's work. Sally will fix us dinner, won't you Sally?'

Sally, a bit taken aback, stood up and neaded for the kitchen, shooting daggers at Dudley as she passed. 'Of course...I don't mind' she muttered.

The uncomfortable silence in the room grew as she left, until you could practically _feel _the awkward. 'How about some drinks?' Dudley suggested. _Yes. Alcohol! That's what he needed. _

'Sounds great. Petunia!'

'No, Dad I'll get it!'

'Nonsense Dudley. We're busy talking. Your mother will - '

'Will not be able to reach it!' Dudley interrupted. 'They're far too high up. It's okay though. I can get them.' He hurried off into the kitchen, finding Sally angrily tending to a pot of spaghetti on the stove.

'Dudley, you need to learn to say no to him! What happens if he hears about the school situation? Would you really pull her out just for him?'

'Of course not!'

'Were you planning on _telling _him?'

Dudley didn't answer.

'Of course you weren't! Ugh. Dudley, you can't keep doing this! I know your father is a bit intimidating - '

'_A bit?'_

'But you can't let him push you around! Stop pretending you're fine with everything he says!'

'I _don't - _'

'An _iphone? _A _lovely idea? _Dudley, you and I just told her she couldn't have a phone until she was 13, let alone an _iphone!'_

'I just don't want to make him feel - '

'_Exactly! _You're afraid of him.'

'No, I - '

'We even told them not to go about fifty pounds!'

'Well...'

'Dudley! I'm sick of this!'

Dudley hung his head in defeat. She was right, of course. 'Look...I'm sorry. I really am. It's just...I'm not used to being on the opposing side...not with him. And I'm not sure how to tell him I'm not with him on this, or anything, without being disrespectful and making it worse. The man might be a horrid person, but he's still my father.'

Sally sighed loudly. 'Look, I don't care how you say it. Just _say _it.' And with that she spun him around and shoved him back in the direction of the living room.

He grabbed several beers, immediately chugging one as he headed back to his father. He was going to need a good buzz if he was going to pull this off.

Dudley wasn't a drunk. He rarely drank at all, in fact. But he always found himself turning to alcohol when his parents visited. Though he had no clue why that was...

'Dudley! Where's my beer?'

Nope, not the faintest idea...

Dudley joined mum and dad on the sofa, having now finished the first bottle. The alcohol worked quickly, numbing the pain of their presence, but it was not enough to make him say or do anything he might regret. Strategic Drinking, he called it. It was almost medical.

'So Dudley...how's Paisley liking that school I chose for her? It's just like Smeltings! Have you bought her school things yet?'

'Well I - '

'I'm sure she'll love it!'

'But Dad - '

'There is no better school in the area! Nothing but the best for my granddaughter.'

'Yes, it is a great school - '

'Exactly! You'd be a fool not to send her there!'

He was going to say it. He really was. _Paisley isn't going to Flemmings. She's going to Hogwarts. _But, like always, he stopped himself last minute. 'She...she's lucky to go there.' _Not enough beer. _He began chugging another bottle.

Dad set down his bottle and looked at his son. 'Well enough about Paisley. Seems that's all we talked about since those tests came back positive. What about you, Dudley? What've you been up to?'

Dudley scratched his head. 'Nothing really. Work keeps my busy.'

'Busy just like your old man, eh? I tell you I've been worked to the bone this past year. Seems like they're trying to scare me off! As if I'd quit.'

Dad laughed and Dudley found himself laughing along, at both the concept of his father being 'worked to the bone' (coming from a man who was wider than he was tall), and at the idea of him quitting when the work became too much. Vernon Dursley was many things, but a quitter he would never be.

'What on earth would you do in retirement? Who is Vernon Dursley without drills?' Dudley chuckled.

'Let's hope we never find out! I doubt I'd be very pleasant.' He fell back in his chair, laughing like a mad man or, rather an old drunk, and Dudley laughed even harder. 'I suppose it's bound to happen eventually. And when it does, I'll be doing what all the other old times do. Getting me a pair of Bermudas and some golf clubs! I'm sure I'll come to enjoy it' he said once the laughing died down some.

'Dad do you even know how to play?'

'Not really, but I'll learn quick enough. Ignorance is to be expected. And soon enough you'll be joining me Dudley. We can go in for a golf cart together!'

Dudley laughed harder once more, nearly spitting out his drink. As he collected himself, he went over what he would say in his head. He knew he wasn't quite ready to tell him about Hogwarts, so he'd start with something smaller. He chugged down the rest of the bottle, now having successfully downed five, and stared at the growing collection of bottles on the table, not saying anything at all. His dad turned his attention to opening his newest beer, not noticing the silence.

'Dad?' he finally started. 'What if you wanted to do something...different? What if you didn't want to do what's expected of you?'

'Dudley, what _are _you getting at?'

'I was just wondering...hypothetically of course, if you wanted to do something more than anything else in the world, but it was something your family wouldn't approve of...what would you do?'

'I don't know...I'm already doing what I want.'

'What if Grandpa hadn't approved of your job at Grunnings?'

'He didn't.'

'He didn't?'

'Nope. Thought it would turn me into a stick in the mud. But what does he know, eh?'

'So you didn't care that he didn't like it? Wasn't he angry?'

'Oh yeah, he was angry as hell! But you know what I decided? Damn the consequences, I was getting that job.'

'So...hypothetically still, what would you do if I had done that to you?'

To his surprise, he _laughed. _'Is this about Paisley? Boy, Dudley, she's really got you wrapped around her finger doesn't she?'

Dudley laughed awkwardly and said 'No, dad...it isn't.'

He got very serious all of a sudden, looking him straight in the eye. 'Why are you asking all these questions, Dudley?'

Fidgeting a bit in his seat, not unlike a little boy afraid of a spanking, he quickly turned to denial 'It's nothing Dad. I was just curious...for future reference.'

'_Dudley.'_

'I just...I'm just sorting some things out. That's all.'

Dudley suddenly felt his father grab him by the shoulders and shake him. 'I don't know what it is you're "figuring out", but forget it. You've got a nice life set up here. Don't mess it up. _Get your priorities straight.'_

'Okay! Okay! I promise, I wasn't going to do anything rash!'

'Good. What ever this is about, I don't want to hear it. This conversation never happened.' And with that, Dad barked at Petunia that they were leaving and they headed off to their hotel.

And Dudley just felt more confused.

**So...he didn't tell his parents...**

**He will though! Just...not yet. **

**In my first draft of this I had this whole bit of Vernon saying how he'd wanted to be a rock star but his father wanted him to do something more practical...don't know what I was thinking really. A rock star? I sorta like the idea though...of course it would be not just OOC, but AU as in no known universe would Vernon Dursley even _consider _doing anything that didn't involve drills, and _certainly _not something so exciting. What would his band name be? Something to do with whales obviously. Or walruses. I could see him as a walrus. The moustache...So he's a whale-walrus? A whalerus? That'd be a lousy band name though...**

**Okay I'm done now. I'm sounding pretty crazy. Suggest a band name for Vernon Dursley? And don't forget to add the virtual coffee. Or I'll go through withdrawal! And we don't want that to happen.**

**Signed,**

**~your madder-by-the-minute author,**

**RogueJedi96.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I have no excuses. It's been a bloody _year _and I haven't updated. After I accidently deleted the second chapter (got it replaced though, THANK YOU TO Harry50 for sending it to me) I just found it really hard to update. And then with school and boy troubles and my anxiety getting the better of me, fanfiction just didn't happen.**

**I'm making excuses again aren't I? xD oops. ANYWAY since there are now so many of you subscribed, I apologize immensely for taking so long to get this up. Thanks for reading this far :D **

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><p>The Dursley car pulled into the drive way of the Burrow, looking quite out of place among the many magical or simply downright strange objects that littered the yard: broomsticks, enchanted toys, and numerous strange little ugly creatures whose heads could be seen poking out of mole holes in the ground. Not to mention the house itself, many stories, practically toppling over. It looked like something a child would design, and Dudley suspected magic was the only thing keeping it together at this point.<p>

'Alright, we're here. Paisley, you behave yourself, you hear?'

'Yes, dad, of course.' She hopped out of the car and skipped up to the house to meet her cousins. They'd never been her favorite before, but now that she knew they weren't "boring" she was quite excited to talk to them. Dudley only hoped they wouldn't tire of her endless questions.

Sally started for the door as well, but stopped when she noticed her husband wasn't following. She opened his car door. 'Dudley? Aren't you coming in?'

Dudley wanted to go inside; to meet the eccentric family of his cousin, to see Harry again, to see what his life was really like; he really did. But he just kept thinking about the time when the twins had given him the candy that made his tongue grow three feet. He was thinking of his father's warning. Of all the stories Harry had told him, and how unbelievable they all sounded to him. How Harry had seen things he couldn't even begin to imagine. But mostly, he was thinking of his bloody car, an extraordinarily ordinary '14 Civic. And how he felt exactly like that bloody car. Like a silver sedan surrounded by flying broomsticks. Boring. Out of place. He was a Dursley after all. He didn't belong here.

Sally seemed to know exactly what was wrong, exactly what was going through his mind behind those dazed eyes staring off into the distance. She didn't say a word, just took him by the hand and pulled him from the car. With a reassuring squeeze, they went inside.

"Dudley! Molly Weasley, nice to meet you! Come in, come in." Dudley stepped into the house and instantly felt even more like the white kid on the urban dance team. The dishes in the sink were washing themselves, little red haired children were flying through the house on toy brooms, and in the corner a sweater was knitting itself. A large clock stood on the wall, with locations or conditions instead of numbers and dozens of hands, each with a name on them.

"You like my clock? Oh, it's grown much over the years. Gotta keep an eye on my grand kids. Soon I'm certain I'll be out of room if my kids keep going at it like they do." Molly laughed.

"What's that, mum?" Ron gave her a cheeky grin.

Molly ruffled his hair. "Oh, you heard me son. No more grand kids! My house can't take it!"

Ron grinned. "I'll try, mum," he said with a wink.

"Alright, alright no more of this talk. Wash up for supper." She whacked him over the head. "Well, Dudley, Sally, sit down! Harry will be in in just a moment. The boys and Ginny were out playing quidditch."

Sally and Dudley took their seats at the table as the Weasley clan flocked in. Loud and obnoxious, animated and excited, it was certainly nothing like family gatherings at the Dursleys. There was no speak of bills, no grumbling of taxes. Everyone genuinely wanted to be there. Everyone genuinely liked each other.

Molly had roasted a duck, and all sorts of side dishes had been supplied by her kids. Mashed potatoes, green beans, potato casserole, dinner rolls, and several large cases of a dark brown drink Dudley could only assume was a type of beer. Everyone piled their plates high and crowded around the table – even the kids.

Dudley was introduced to the whole family. George offered him a toffee, but he was smarter this time and declined. Arthur made sure to sit near him and asked him all sorts of questions about the "muggle world", and he in exchange asked of wizards. Dudley told them about his job at the aeroplane company and though he found it quite boring, Arthur couldn't get enough. He asked how they worked, what the pieces did, what happens if they crash. He asked what they were made of and how much that cost and how much time it took to build and all sorts of other questions Dudley didn't even know how to begin to answer but he tried his best. Harry told Dudley about his job as an auror, and Ron as well. Hermione told him she worked for the ministry, and Ron interrupted. "You _revolutionized _the ministry. Brightest witch of our age, this one is. And she married _me. _I got lucky."

Dinner finished, George took on the responsibility of showing Paisley the best of magic. He grabbed one of the other children to use as a demonstration. Within five minutes he'd become a rat, a frog, a cockatoo, and a koala bear. He started to show her some of his pranks but Ginny hit him over the head. "Don't you dare. You've already soiled _my _children, don't you go soiling his!"

Dudley looked at his watch. 10:00. "I hate to say it, but we really must be going. I have work early tomorrow." He grabbed Paisley around the middle as she ran by. "Time to go, hun."

"But James was going to show me his chocolate frogs!"

"We'll come back another time, I promise."

And so, the Dursleys lined up at the door saying their goodbyes. Dudley took one last look at the Weasleys. They were _happy. _All of them, _together. _He thought of his own family. Molly and Arthur loved each other so much more than his parents ever seemed to. They didn't fight. They didn't throw insults. They weren't passive aggressive or just plain aggressive. And most of all, they were genuine.

Mostly though, he looked at Harry. Their childhood was hardly ideal. Years with Vernon and Petunia had poisoned them both, though in different ways. Harry's certainly hadn't been happy. And though it had taken him many years to realize, his wasn't happy either. Now, Harry was happy. He had his new family, and he was happy.

But was Dudley?

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><p><strong>Okay, this wasn't my best chapter I will admit. It has been a while. I needed to get this out, and I'm getting back into the swing of things. I think I will do some oneshots to help warm up my writing again.<strong>

**For those of you hoping for more focus on Paisley...I'm sorry to disappoint but that was never my intention. There are plenty of stories focusing on Dudley's magical child's adventures. I wanted to explore the effect that would have on Dudley and his family. Dudley is one of my favorite characters I can't even explain why, but he is. And after book seven I felt he had a lot of potential.**

**It might take a bit to roll out more of this, but I promise it will not be a ridiculous amount like this last one. I don't know what happened. If you're still around after that long hiatus, thank you!**


	6. Chapter 6

**I really am terribly sorry for how awful I am at updating. We're nearing the end here, so I'll post the last chapter or so asap. There will probably only be one more chapter. Thank you so much for all the favorites and follows and reviews! It really means a lot ****3**

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><p>Home again. Though it didn't much feel like it.<p>

Petunia was sitting watching Paisley's favourite television programme with the patience that only a grandmother can possess. Dudley sat in the front room with his father once more, listening to him drone on and on about the works of Grunnings. The man ate, drank, and sweat in drills. And Dudley, frankly, didn't care. Pretending was exhausting. He zoned out. Vernon didn't even seem to notice.

Sally wasn't speaking to him. All week, Vernon had been a pain in her rear, with his "traditional gender roles" crap, and Dudley was going along with it. "Dudley, I've been working late all week, I need your help around the house! I can't do it all. Forget what your father thinks for _one second _and _think for yourself," _she'd whispered as she attempted to man the stove and wash the dishes at once.

"I know, I know," he said. "I'll make it up to you once he's gone."

"No, Dudley. Stand up to him. And while you're at it,_ tell him!"_

_"Honey, I can't..."_

And with that, Dudley had managed to completely infuriate his beloved wife. They hadn't spoken since. Paisley was angry with him as well. She'd cried when her owl was sent off to Harry's, and she cried when he told her she had to lie to her grandparents about who she was. She didn't look at him much. He didn't blame her. Things were tense in the Dursley home.

Dudley had to fix this. Trouble was, he wasn't sure if he had the courage. He wasn't like his cousin. He wasn't brave. He couldn't stand up to people. Not on his own. As a child, he'd always had his gang behind him for even the weakest of foes. He didn't take on a _ten year old _without backup.

There had been one time...one time he had vocalized a disagreement with his father. It hadn't been much...just a comment about Harry, and not even really a nice one...just one that wasn't bad. _I don't think you're a waste of space. _He'd almost thought, for a moment, his mother agreed...

_"He's really going" __she'd said. _And when he'd found her in the attic, she still had the photo album. Whatever she'd said about her sister, he knew she cared.

Perhaps...perhaps his mum would be a better start. She'd been in the same boat once, when her sister went off to school. He could start with her. Yes, he would start with her.

"Dad, I'm sorry...I promised Paisley I'd take her to the playground" Dudley lied, thinking on the spot.

"What? Oh, alright. If you must" Vernon said, as though he'd almost forgotten Dudley were there.

Dudley jumped up from his seat and ran into the living room to fetch Paisley, whispering in her ear that he needed her to come with him and not ask questions in front of grandpa. She gave him a crusty look but obeyed. Then he turned to Petunia. "Mum...I was wondering if you'd like to join us? Bit of fresh air?"

Petunia looked a bit taken aback. "Oh...well, alright. That sounds nice."

The walk to the playground was quiet. Dudley didn't know how to start, his mum didn't know what to say, and his daughter was still furious. Maybe this would calm her down a bit.

Paisley ran off to the monkey bars. Dudley pulled Petunia to the park bench. "Mum..." He took a deep breath. "Can I ask you something?"

"Oh, Dudley, if this is about your marriage"

"_Mum, _my marriage is _fine. _This is about something else. Can you...tell me about Lily?"

Petunia let out something between a hiccup and a shriek. "You know very well we don't speak of her, the f-"

"Mum, please. This is important. What happened? When she went to Hogwarts?"

Petunia's eyes sunk to the ground. "She...she left. We stopped speaking."

Dudley grasped his mother's hand. "Do you really hate magic? I know you don't hate Lily. You told me so the night Harry left. But...what of magic?"

The question hung in the air like syrup and Petunia was choking on it. They sat in silence, Dudley squeezing her hand for reassurance. She turned away from him so he couldn't see her face. "Magic stole my sister," she whispered. "Magic made sure I could never fix the tear between us...but I was the one who made the tear. Not Lily. Not magic."

"So you never hated magic?"

Petunia gave a sad laugh. "Oh, I did...at first. But eventually...it just hurt. I don't now." She grinned. "But don't tell your father, it might kill him!"

Now Dudley looked away. "Mum...Paisley has magic."

His mother laughed. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Paisley is a witch. She's going to Hogwarts. She got a letter in the post just before you got here."

He chanced a glance at her face. She didn't seem angry like he'd feared, in fact, she didn't seem to know how to feel at all.

"Harry helped us get her things...took us around his part of London. Had us for supper with his family-you'll remember the Weasleys of course...blew out our fireplace and cursed my tongue...nice people, really. Harry's got a kid and some nieces and nephews who are around Paisley's age so she won't be going off alone...Mum, please say something. Are you angry?"

"I...I'm shocked...but I'm not angry." Petunia laughed and Dudley sighed the biggest sigh of relief.

"So you won't disown me?" he laughed.

"Of course not. I'm your mother, I'm Paisley's grandmother. Nothing changes that." He put his arms around her and gave his mother what was probably the first genuine hug in years. Then he shot up off the bench.

"Mum, can you stay here with Paisley for a bit? There's something I have to do now."

She nodded. "Good luck. You're going to need it."

Dudley raced home, adrenaline pumping through his veins. His mother had accepted it. He had her on his side. And he'd told her. Now he had to finish the job. He ran into the house, finding his father making a cup of tea in the kitchen. His heart was pounding. His palms were sweating.

"My daughter is a witch."

The mug shattered on the ground.

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><p><strong> Thank you so much for continuing to read even when I've lost my touch. Please criticize me! Give me any (constructive) criticism you can! It's been so long since I've written, I hardly feel like I know how anymore.<strong>


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